“To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget.” ― Arundhati Roy
When we become fervently passionate to others and are overwhelmed with what we feel, we usually do something about it. Sometimes, we call for resignation. Other times, we demand recognition. But most of the times, we prefer to deal with silence. Yet, even in silence we want to be recognized, to be noticed by those whom we have affection for. No matter how hard we try to convince ourselves that we shouldn’t be doing so, soon enough, we still find ourselves doing such a thing. This is simply because all of us have the nature to desire for reciprocity, to love and be loved by that “special” someone. As a result, we automatically create assumptions that drive us to hope, the strong feeling of wanting to push forward. In a simpler sense, we start to assume. Once we do that, we eventually create expectations out from the feelings that we have, and when those are not met nor are even satisfied, we tend to get hurt more badly than we already are. It is for that reason why most of us choose to make ourselves selfless or even perhaps force ourselves to become selfless in order to lessen the pain we feel and alleviate the negatively minute chances of experiencing the happy ending we immensely want with the person we long for.
Such assertion, however, is of course highly understandable since it is of natural thing for man to yearn for something that would make him come across the pleasures of life, and grief, sorrow, anguish, and other negative sentiments are initially never thought of as something that would bring pleasure to anyone. So, why then do we still go through all of it? Why do we pursue something and at the same time allow ourselves to suffer? Why do we chase after happiness if we are to shed grievous tears first? Why, in a summarized view, do we love when we know we can get hurt?
The answer is quite simple—if we were not to undergo suffering, if we were to experience love, the kind of love we all naturally desire from the very moment we were conceived up to the present, then, we would no longer long for it. We would not want it. We would not wish for it. We would not dare go after it nor would we even be able to define and distinguish it for there is none to distinguish it from because agony, misery, despair, and other heartbreaking emotions that the ones we usually feel will basically cease to exist. Therefore, to be happy is to love and to love is to get hurt.
Love has always been and will always be an enigma of two paradoxical statements and whichever we believe in would not really matter because of one simple but hurtful truth—everybody is capable of loving and being loved by a certain someone, but not everybody can be loved by their certain someone.
Only few are living their fairy tales in reality, but most of us don’t because we were not given the chance to do so and we probably won’t be. Instead, we live them only in our dreams where hope is born and slowly shatters us, piece by piece, because of the spark of happiness it causes upon us that can never be brought to life, where joyous thoughts remain unrealized, and where mutuality of understanding and affection is nothing but a construct of the mind.
I told you I was tired. That I’m done. That I wanted out. I felt triumphant at first, finally gathering up the strength and courage to break away from your spell.
“When we love, we partly, or wholly, relinquish our conditions and checklists, for the sake of making them feel that we love them for who they are, and not for who we wish they’d be.”
A few minutes later, I started suffocating, crying, finding it difficult to breathe… I love you. I wanted to take it all back, to tell you, “I love you, I’m in love with you. I never meant anything I said.” But I did. I meant every word. I love you, but I am tired. Tired of being the one who says “I’m sorry” all the time. Tired of always, always being the one who swallows her pride just because to her, keeping…
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What have I gotten myself into now?
“I still can’t seem to keep in mind that you and I both have reasons for cutting each other off…”
but this was what I chose,
this was what I wanted….so badly.
Cheers to a great way to start Sophomore year. ♥
Summer will be interesting.